Something that I've observed in myself and many of my close friends is the tendency to get caught in vicious thought loops when it comes to intuition, and to internalize criticism and perceived failures.
You know the drill: something upsetting happens, and instead of allowing ourselves to feel the full weight of our feelings, we start to second guess ourselves. We tell ourselves that we're being irrational or that we should "know better" than to feel this way. "Maybe it's just because I haven't applied myself enough," or “If I had tried harder, things might have been less sucky.”
Even though we know better, we often find ourselves assuming that we're the problem, and constantly comparing ourselves to others who seem to be doing better than us. In theory, the idea that people (us!) not putting in enough effort makes sense… for whatever reason, it happens, right? And that’s totally okay! But if we’re beating ourselves up about it, we’re likely associating failure with negative experiences and emotions. And it's something that I think people like us (who grew up in dysfunctional family dynamics) are particularly prone to. We're taught at a young age to suppress our emotions, believing our worth is based on accomplishments and that our needs don't matter, so we have a heightened fear of not living up to expectations.
“Well, my greatest fear was that I would disappoint all the ones I love, but I’ve been there and back, it’s not so hard when you can’t face yourself in the mirror,” –Coventry, Old Gray
Growing up, I experienced a lot of instability in my life and often felt like I was at the mercy of the circumstances around me. As I've grown older, I've come to understand the importance of following my intuition and making my own path. But the other big thing I've realized is that having an intuition about something is just the first step, and actually making things happen is a completely different story.
For the longest time since going vegan a little over a decade ago, I have had a gut feeling that I would be a pretty good plant-based chef and baker. While that might be true, there's still a significant amount of effort and meaningful work required to make that a reality. I would need to put in more hours to improve my cooking and baking techniques (I have, in fact, made the worst curry noodle and still have not succeeded at making my own bread!), and gain experience in food service before I could even consider starting a cafe or a community kitchen.
Photo by Kelly Moon.
The same goes for any other career path or personal goal. Following through with the required process is often the most challenging part, and people tend to either underestimate or overestimate its difficulty. Some may be so intimidated by it that they never even try, while others may think it will be a breeze and feel overwhelmed as soon as they encounter obstacles. I slip and slide on this spectrum too (all the time!).
But here's the thing: if you have a strong intuition about something, it's likely that it's worth pursuing, even if the process is challenging. Tbh, I hate it when people say, “…overcoming the difficulties is what makes the end result so much more satisfying and rewarding.” I cannot cope with any more struggles, living in a capitalist world is already a test of my endurance!
In one of my earliest psychiatric check-ins, I learned how to identify faulty thought patterns and reframe them so I could strive towards my goals, with my intuition and determination as my guide. These days, I’m a little less fearful of failure and whenever I doubt myself, I take it as a signal that something may not be in alignment with my values and priorities, and they’re reaching out for my attention.
I'm learning to take those moments as an opportunity to pause, reflect, and make adjustments where necessary. Instead of allowing doubt and fear to overtake me, I'm actively choosing to focus on my strengths and to be kinder to myself. I'm recognizing that ‘failure’ is not a sign of weakness, but rather a sign of growth and learning. And as I've learned to be more accepting of unexpected setbacks, I've also learned to be more accepting of myself and my emotions, and everyone else in my orbit.
Truth is, the pain from our past continues to affect us in the present, so, as adults, we question our own instincts. We get furious when we don’t immediately be good at something–we forget that we don't start out great at anything, and the process of transition from hard to easy involves a great deal of learning and practice. Even if something appears to be intuitive, the reality is that it is often the result of countless hours of experience.
My intuition and determination might be guiding me to the right path, but how I approach things is largely dependent on the accumulation of knowledge, technical skills, and familiarity. Intuition alone can't carry me through. I wish someone had clued me in earlier on in my life that if things don’t go according to plan, I don’t have to agonize over why it didn’t work out. I can take a step back, reflect, and make decisions from a place of understanding and knowledge rather than a place of fear or uncertainty, and follow through from there. My ADHD (and queer!) audacity tells me otherwise, but this is something that I have come to appreciate more and more as I continue to pursue my goals in life.
Of course, I still sometimes catch myself being too self-critical and it's just so cringe. But we’re all a work in progress, amirite..?
